I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
