jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
