how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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