Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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