somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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