I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
