She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
