I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
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