Heybabeimwearingurpanties
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
