I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
