ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
