i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
