If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
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nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
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Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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