ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
