Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
