I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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