You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The Olympian is in my bed
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
