I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
