battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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