I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
