This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
