Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
