Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you inspire me to be a worse person
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
