is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
