I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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