the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
