WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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