Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
