Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
