New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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