1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
