There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
