apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
