i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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