I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
