I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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