You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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