dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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