I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Two words: blizzard sex
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
