is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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