Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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