dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
