Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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