her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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