You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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