At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Can you bring me the toilet please
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
