Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
What changed your mind?
Being sober
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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