Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
