If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
