If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
we're so committed to being not committed
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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