I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
