i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
