she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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