Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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