3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
