I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
