That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
