Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
