So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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