so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
