why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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