"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
